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Happiness comes from within a person.

Growing up I was never a happy person. That’s something that no one knew but me. I was very good at hiding it. I kept a smile on my face, joked around a lot and was always laughing at the silliest things. I thought my happiness depended on find someone to love me as much as I loved everyone else. The sad thing was that even when someone did love me, it as never enough. I never got jealous. That was only because if they showed someone else attention, I would immediately end the relationship. My life revolved around men. I was very demanding. I had a terrible love language. If you loved me, you would do as I say. If you didn’t do what I said, it was over. I never wanted to see you again. You didn’t love me.

I look back now and see that I was not taught how to properly love another person or how to receive another’s love.

One of the main reasons for this error is because I didn’t love myself. I was constantly seeking approval because I never had it when I was younger. I only received negative comments from my mother. Whatever I did wasn’t good enough and so I carried that with me into adulthood.

By the time I was 20 I had two children out of wedlock. One at 16 and the other at 20. From then on all I wanted in life was to find a husband. Finding one wasn’t the problem. The problem was within me. I searched out all the faults I could find in men. Several times I just barely escaped making a grave mistake and marrying someone that was not for me. All because I just wanted someone to truly love me.

I went back in forth from one relationship to another until I turned 37. That’s when I finally started holding myself accountable for the way my life was turning out. I came to a decision that without God, I had made a mess of my life.

After 20 years living in the world, I made a decision that changed my whole life. I laid myself out and called on the Lord. I confessed that I needed Him to help me to get my life in order and that I knew that the only way to do it was to give my life over to Him. I made a deal with God. A deal that I look back on now and see how silly it was, but I was uneducated in the ways of God. So I told Him that if I devoted a whole year to Him and He sent me a husband, I would never turn from Him again.

What I didn’t know was that I had no right to try and bargain with God. It took me a whole year to learn that. But God has been faithful. The more I learned of Him and His grace and mercy, the easier it became for me to accept the love that was always mine to begin with.

It took two years for me to realize that God was all that I needed. The first two years I continued to go to the clubs and on dates. And then one day I did something that I had never done before. I called on God to truly change me and make me a new person. To put me back on the potter’s wheel and mold me into the women of God that He wanted me to be.

I have to be honest and tell you that it wasn’t as easy as just asking. I had to believe that He would do it and allow Him full access to my will. It was a slow and painful change, but I soon became free of my fleshly desires. I knew I was free when I found myself talking to the Lord one day and telling Him that the only man I wanted was one that was in alignment with His will for me. I studied His words daily seeking His purpose for me and my life.

At times I felt that I was not good enough and that I carried to much sin and guilt from the past. But I heard His voice speaking of His forgiveness and how He wanted to make me whole. I stopped looking and started listening. Listening for His voice so that I would do nothing to offend Him.

I became a new creation and with this new found freedom I began to learn to love myself. To love myself exactly how God made me.

I see myself now as the beautiful woman of God that He created me to be. I now receive great joy in just being able to love someone and not look for anything in return. I know that I possess a love that is greater than the ocean and others see it too.

God had changed my life. I don’t feel the need to search for my husband. I leave it in God's hand to help him to find me. I am blessed just to be alive and know that I’ve allowed God’s will to be done in my life without any distractions.

God loves me and I want to shout it to the ends of the earth. God loves me. And you know what? God loves you too.

Submit your will to God and watch all the wonderful things that only He can do.

The Word says to seek God in your heart. Those are the first words that I heard Him speak to me. "Seek Me in your heart."

I sought and I found and now when you see a smile upon my face and hear the laughter in my voice, rest assure that it’s real and it’s real only because God placed it there.

I love you in Christ,

Sherebiah